My Adopted Family
Okay Lillie, you asked...
First off, let me say, I was not adopted. I was conceived, born and reared in the regular fashion. I had no siblings ...well actually I did have (would've had) a sister, but she died as an infant, and long before I was born.
First off, let me say, I was not adopted. I was conceived, born and reared in the regular fashion. I had no siblings ...well actually I did have (would've had) a sister, but she died as an infant, and long before I was born.
My Dad died when I was very, very young, so I don't really remember him ...just from photos and stories. My Mom raised me, but it was hardly a single parent situation. All of my aunts and uncles lived in close (too close) proximity, so it was one large extended family. Despite this closeness in physical proximity, there was very little cohesion ...lots of bad blood among the various factions. So, no, we weren't very "close". For me, it was me and my Mom and then, all the rest of 'em.
There was this girl, we'll call her "Sara". Sara was not a "girlfriend" but a very good friend, a school mate that I met in middle school (7th or 8th grade). We became fast friends and spent a lot of time together. She came from one of those families that you see in the Norman Rockwell paintings ...Mom, Dad, three daughters, nice house, white picket fence, the who nine yards. For myself, coming from a very dysfunctional family and a very different environment, it was a pleasure to associate with "normal people". Of course I would later realize that neither her family nor any other I've encountered actually fits into that "normal" mold. ...that in retrospect, my own family wasn't all that dysfunctional, just a little fucked-up as are many (if not most).
But at the time, it was a sheer pleasure to be in a loving environment where there was no yelling and screaming, where the family members actually seemed to enjoy life and the company of one another. (Sure, there was "stuff" going on, but that's their laundry and inappropriate for me to air).
The oddest thing is, I bonded ...really bonded... with them all. And they with me. I was embraced to such an extent that it was a bit overwhelming. My presence was requested, no, required at all family functions and I began to feel very much a part of that family.
Mrs. "Smith" often referred to me as the son she never had. Mr. "Smith" and I got along famously. I even had my assigned chores. Not weekly stuff like taking out the garbage, but whenever the house needed painting or the roof gutters need cleaning, or the seasonal exchanging of the storm and screens doors, it was me and Mr. "Smith". When Mr. Smith died, I was there to do all that kind of stuff. Sara and I were the same age, so her older sisters became my older sisters, and I had with them the same sibling dynamic as she.
Now that we're all much older, Sara and her sisters all have families of their own, but I don't feel like an "uncle" to their respective children. All that happened after I'd moved to the West Coast. I've never actually met any of their children, although I have spoken to a few of them over the phone. However we're all still closely tethered. In fact, when any of my [biological] aunts, uncles, or cousins, want to inquire about me, they ask Sara or Mrs. "Smith" ...which reminds me, I owe her a call. We haven't spoken in a couple weeks.
On closing this post, which may have painted the picture of my having abandoned my Mom for another family, I l'd like to point out that 1) my Mom was both well acquainted with and friends with the "Smiths", 2) my mon had a good relationship with [her] brothers and sisters, it was I who didn't really embrace them as "family" ...nor they me, and 3) my Mom and I were very close and spent lots of quality time together, but she was not a stay-at-home Mom, especially in the early years when most of her time and energy went into doing those things a single parent does to provide for family.
Quote of the Week: “All happy families resemble one another; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
There was this girl, we'll call her "Sara". Sara was not a "girlfriend" but a very good friend, a school mate that I met in middle school (7th or 8th grade). We became fast friends and spent a lot of time together. She came from one of those families that you see in the Norman Rockwell paintings ...Mom, Dad, three daughters, nice house, white picket fence, the who nine yards. For myself, coming from a very dysfunctional family and a very different environment, it was a pleasure to associate with "normal people". Of course I would later realize that neither her family nor any other I've encountered actually fits into that "normal" mold. ...that in retrospect, my own family wasn't all that dysfunctional, just a little fucked-up as are many (if not most).
But at the time, it was a sheer pleasure to be in a loving environment where there was no yelling and screaming, where the family members actually seemed to enjoy life and the company of one another. (Sure, there was "stuff" going on, but that's their laundry and inappropriate for me to air).
The oddest thing is, I bonded ...really bonded... with them all. And they with me. I was embraced to such an extent that it was a bit overwhelming. My presence was requested, no, required at all family functions and I began to feel very much a part of that family.
Mrs. "Smith" often referred to me as the son she never had. Mr. "Smith" and I got along famously. I even had my assigned chores. Not weekly stuff like taking out the garbage, but whenever the house needed painting or the roof gutters need cleaning, or the seasonal exchanging of the storm and screens doors, it was me and Mr. "Smith". When Mr. Smith died, I was there to do all that kind of stuff. Sara and I were the same age, so her older sisters became my older sisters, and I had with them the same sibling dynamic as she.
Now that we're all much older, Sara and her sisters all have families of their own, but I don't feel like an "uncle" to their respective children. All that happened after I'd moved to the West Coast. I've never actually met any of their children, although I have spoken to a few of them over the phone. However we're all still closely tethered. In fact, when any of my [biological] aunts, uncles, or cousins, want to inquire about me, they ask Sara or Mrs. "Smith" ...which reminds me, I owe her a call. We haven't spoken in a couple weeks.
On closing this post, which may have painted the picture of my having abandoned my Mom for another family, I l'd like to point out that 1) my Mom was both well acquainted with and friends with the "Smiths", 2) my mon had a good relationship with [her] brothers and sisters, it was I who didn't really embrace them as "family" ...nor they me, and 3) my Mom and I were very close and spent lots of quality time together, but she was not a stay-at-home Mom, especially in the early years when most of her time and energy went into doing those things a single parent does to provide for family.
Quote of the Week: “All happy families resemble one another; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
posted by gieau_sf (7:30:00 AM)
-- All non-relevant comments will be (have been) deleted!
8 Comment(s):
nice post, joseph! i really enjoyed reading about your growing up background. thanks :).
Both of my kids from time to time have 'adopted' parental role models and I get a twang of jealously about it but I know that there must have been a need there and I go with the flow, so to speak. It was nice reading about Sara and her family. It's nice that your family as well saw that these were relationships that you must have needed and for whatever else was going on wrong in your house, they got the part right about allowing you to become so attached to these people. Many families would have been too threatened by it to allow it to go on. I'm glad that you have this family in your life. I can see that it's been comforting for you. Nice story.
Schaumi: I was doing a little reminiscing while writing it. That was fun.
Goria: My Mom used to have this running joke. When she wanted me, she'd call Mrs. "Smith" (which is not actually her name), and ask, "Is our son there?" And they'd both have a big laugh. Yes, it was a very positive influence in my life. Plus I had the benefit of both being an only child and having siblings.
Thanks, Joseph.
It just goes to show that family isn't much about blood and genes. Perhaps family is as family does; we keep what we most need.
Call Sara!
Nice post. I think I just assume that everyone had a "normal" childhood. I don't know why I do that. It's obviously not true.
Lillie: This is so very true. I found this out having had to set up a whole new support base after moving to the West Coast.
Gary: I try to avoid using "normal", since hardly anyone or anything seems to fit ...especially when you stop to consider who it is that's determining what normal is or should be.
I'm glad I read this. I'm kinda' questioning a lot of things about myself...but most especially what kinda' of mom i am...like...am i doing my best...am i doing enough...i should've done better...stuff like that..
i grew up wishing i were a part of another family...my best friend's family. They seemed to be a happy bunch and just like you I was always welcome in their house....
family is something...i'm still trying hard to really understand...
I like your posts, very much. And in a way they remind me of my own childhood. I didn't realize I had a dysfunctional family till I was grown. But I do know that I sure loved spending time over at Sandra's house. Her Dad played the guitar and he would let me sit on one knee and Sandra would sit on the other knee and he would treat us the same. I didn't have a Dad, so I guess I craved this kind of attention. It isn't that you abandon your own family, but when your Mom works, she just isn't around. I know that feeling well, and kids like to be where people are......and they feel welcome.
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